The birds and the bees?

As the father, that infamous talk about the birds and the bees rested clearly on my shoulders.  That is, I was responsible for passing down this nugget of wisdom to my son.  Luckily my wife had apparently shouldered this burden with our two older children, daughters.  But our son was destined to someday be my pupil.  But the thought of this responsibility still seamed fairly distant as my son was only nine at the time of this story.  He was still too young to have seen the “film” all boys see in school. (You know the one)

Well it was a warm summer evening, not unlike most evenings in July and my son had two of his buddies over for the night.  Our house was a popular overnight destination for many of my son’s friends because we had a pool with a connecting hot tub in our backyard.

The evening started off innocently enough.  I had turned the hot tub on so the boys could go back and forth between the cool water of the pool and the warm water of the hot tub.  This back and forth play between the cool-to-hot-to-cool-to-hot water could entertain the boys for hours.

While the three boys played, I sat out on the patio reading a book.  If the kids were in the pool,  my wife and I always felt it best for an adult to be close by.  The boys could all swim like fishes but you know how boys are.  If they were left unattended,  it wouldn’t take long before someone would get the brilliant idea of jumping from the roof to the pool or some equally hazardous scheme.  (That’s just how boys are wired)  But with my presence on the patio,  the boys were usually well behaved.

The evening was nice,  I was relaxing with a nice book, the boys were having fun, what could possibly go wrong?  Yeah,  well as parents will tell you, always expect the unexpected.  Little did I know,  I was about to be shaken to my core.

The boys were all in the hot tub.  I probably wasn’t paying as close attention as I should have been.  And then it happened.  I was horrified.  How could this have been.  My very own son uttered the unspeakable line to his two friends, “hey guys!  Put your balls on the jets, it feals good”.

My world was crashing down around me.  My son and his buddies were about to have a crash course on nature right in front of me.  And how was I going to explain to the friend’s parents that their precious babies’ innocence had been lost… all because of my son, my hot tub and those damn jets.

I jumped up, trying to think of something to divert the boy’s attention from the jets.  I needed to find a nerf ball or something I could throw in the hot tub.  I saw a tennis ball and went to grab it.  By the time I got the ball and returned to the scene of the unthinkable, there were three boys in the hot tub all facing outwards.   This obviously meant that the jets were hitting… well you know what.

“Hey!  Someone catch this ball”, I screamed as I threw the tennis ball into the hot tub.  Luckily for me,  when a nine-year-old hears someone say, “catch this ball”,   they do what nine-year-olds do,  they try to catch the ball.  Soon the boys were playing catch in the pool and miraculously the event was over.

 I went back to reading but thought to myself, “that school better hurry up and show the “film” before every kid in the neighborhood learns about the birds and the bees in my backyard, in my hot tub on my jets.


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